Good morning, in less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind.

Mankind – that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore.

We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution – but from annihilation.

We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist.

And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

We will not go quietly into the night!

We will not vanish without a fight!

We’re going to live on!

We’re going to survive!

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day you piece of shit!

“No, you’re not wrong… You’re not wrong Walter… you’re just an asshole… you piece of shit.”

So weird… I’m apparently not functioning on all cylinders today. Thanks for the heads up!

Quickbooks? Heh?

Didn’t say it was He Man singing, but yes, I got the song title wrong.

Another one comes around to gather your empty champagne glasses…

“This one’s still full, want me to leave it?”

“Nah, you can dump it. I wasn’t up for going to the toilet after being called a pig in a blanket…”

That’s brutal…

I went to a middle school that sat next to a farm. A number of our athletic matches were canceled due to the cows getting out and one was canceled because the farmer shot a coyote on our baseball field & left it.

“Jim has returned! But this time he brought us a live horse…. you think he’s still going to ask us to cater its funeral?”

If this was the Singing Sword from Knighty Knight Bugs, I’ll bet it would sing What’s Going On for 10 hours straight.

How many roast quails can fit in a rotisserie chicken?

I think we’re still selling ourselves short here!

That’s how Big Tobacco gets ya…

The Red Bull of Christ… The Jaeger of Heaven. Take this in remembrance of…

that time we got back out & I bit a police horse.

Don’t forget to track down the sequel. It’s pretty good too.

I honestly don’t know why, but I want to hear what it sounds like when they use the bow on a fiddle other than their own.

It would likely sound terrible, but it might be funny to watch them try it.

That’s really cool! Thanks for sharing. Visiting the gardens was my first experience with this flower.

What if he was preemptively planning his complaints? You know, studying flight paths, departures, & arrivals, then just delivering 57 unique complaints each day with one phone call?

“Look… I know Quantus 617 leaves for Houston at 5:45, the 974 at 3, 452 goes at 4:12, & the 889 heads out at 9pm.

Yep, that’s right.

Uh huh.

Yes I fucking know it’s only 8am. Those flights WILL be too loud & I expect you to take my complaints immediately!”

“You know you’re just the rudest man! The rudest man!”

In high school, my friends & I got really stoned after our band performed one night.

We mocked up some NASA letterhead, pulled out the phone book, & proceeded to create dozens of signed & sealed official correspondence from the space agency.

Every letter read:

Dear Jerry,

You’ll never be an astronaut.

Love, NASA

…now I kinda want to do that with this butter box trick. Just randomly select a dozen or so mailing addresses & send them one of these with no other explanation.

Beautiful… just beautiful

…and now all I can think about is Warren, from There’s Something About Mary, chasing an armored knight Ted around yelling, “BANGERS & MASH!!! BANGERS AND MASH!”