“trusted bank”

lol

I had a love-hate relationship with Sears for a long, long time. We’d always shop around for larger purchases, and quite often Sears would end up getting the sale, and then I’d have to put up with the salesperson bugging me about opening a Sears card and buying an extended warranty, and then being obstinate about taking NO for an answer. Of course, this was back when Craftsman Tools and Kenmore Appliances tended to be better than average. Hell, about 6 months ago we finally replaced a Kenmore refrigerator that we bought in '99. It’s currently cooling beer in my bro-in-laws garage. I’m still using Craftsman tools I bought 30+ years ago.

or in other words…

“fake it 'til you make it”

Fuck homeowners insurance. I live in Florida. I’ve had State Farm for several years now, and it always felt like I was paying them extortion payments. Last year, we got a letter from them informing us that they had sent an inspector by our property, and listed off several things that we needed to do, and show them proof that we did them, within the next year or they were dropping our coverage. Some of these things were understandable, but others just seemed ridiculous. Like re-roofing or tearing down my shop in the back, when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it (I just built it seven years ago). It’s already pretty well-known that SF is no longer writing new policies in Florida, so I could see the writing on the wall. Even if we complied and got all that done, their premiums were going to go way up, and switching to another company would certainly cost us even more. The wife and I discussed it and said fuck it and fuck them and took the money out of my 401k and paid the place off. State Farm will not renew us here in about a month and a half when it expires, and we’ll carry on without. This house has been through every hurricane that’s hit the NW corner of Florida since 1958 and has so-far only lost some shingles. We’re on high enough ground that flooding isn’t a worry either, so fuck it… off we go, fingers crossed! I feel really fortunate that we were able to do that, because this place is so much more than just a house, and I’ll be DAMNED if we’re losing it because some bureaucratic requirement that I can no longer afford allows it to be repossessed.

I drove a taxi and dispatched for a couple of years back in the mid '80s. For ease of use, Street Guides were a drivers best friend, because they just gave you concise directions from the closest main road. For instance, if I wanted Elm street, I would find it quickly alphabetically, and it would tell me something like “Runs south from Main St, two blocks east of First Ave.” The driver would mainly just need a decent understanding of the main roads and how the numbering system for addresses worked, and they could just flip through it pretty quick without having to spread out a big map. The whole city fit into a neat little paperback book.

I had a good friend who worked LP for wal-mart back in the '90’s. He loved that shit. He’d burn CD copies of the surveillance videos of his latest escapades fighting with and tackling shoplifters and bring them home for us to see. He was a master of “redirecting” someone running away from him into whatever nearby solid object he had available. I know those big red bollards that keep cars from driving thru the front doors claimed more than a couple of victims at his, um… urging. Entertaining stuff for sure.

I used to know a guy named Ed back in the early-mid '80’s who was a professional college student. We were both attending the local junior college. I was about 19 or 20, he was about 30. He was tall, had long straight dark hair and a full, fairly long beard with a fairly prominent hawk nose. One day, his parents finally got tired of him avoiding adulthood and declared they were no longer going to support him and he had to get a job. He showed up to classes with a short hair cut and no beard. We all had to do a double-take. He seriously had no chin, and combined with that big hawk nose, his profile had become so comically different from what it had been that everyone who knew him was noticeably shocked by the transformation. He went from having a long profile with a prominent nose to a little round head with a huge beak sticking out. He went from a moderately imposing figure to a sadly goofy looking character just like that. I watched a couple of different people just kind of blurt out stuff like “eww grow it back!” etc. It was crazy to see how everyone’s perception of him changed overnight…

We came home one evening and discovered our 10lb wiener-pinscher had eaten a whole dish of Dove dark Chocolates while we were away. Easily a couple of dozen pieces… All that was left were little bits of foil wrappers all over the floor where he attempted to peel each one open. I’da really liked to have seen how he was doing that. We just knew he was fixin’ to die. Aside from looking guilty as hell, he showed zero signs of any ill effects. There’s no telling how much of the foil wrappers he ate either…

They taste just like those little wooden spoons we’d get with our ice cream cups

… or in a porn flick?

Dick

… or flying over the fence?

Homer

That one has to be my favorite death scene of the whole series. That show was sooo good…