We miss you, keyboard cat.

His tombstone had better have a QR code on it.

We are old gods who punish life for fun.

Also called a pineapple because who cares anymore?

Middle-eastern children: “I want to grow up and be educated.”

Santa: “Best I can do is a drone hitting your house.”

That may explain your gastrointestinal situation.

She hung you out to dry.

She likes to give ‘em the ol’ Rami Malek.

You’re on notice.

Ssssssomebody stop him!

Stranger Things: “I am the most streamed show in 2025!”

The Sign: “I’m about to end this man’s whole career.”

This is weirdly wholesome.

Start small. Get yourself a pizza, and work up from there.

I spent the last 13 years of my life sleeping on Japanese futons and am now sleeping on a full box spring mattress for the first time since.

I can’t remember the last time I had this much trouble sleeping. What I wouldn’t give to have a “thin mattress on the floor” again.

That’s a good joke to have in your rotation.

Less time that it takes my mom to actually make banana bread.

Milli Banilli

That one person who has it in for Arizona.

Chipotle is really resting on its laurels.

This is what happens to wildlife when you don’t cut your bread rings.