How have I never known this‽

Settle down child, and let me tell you the tale of Ron Burgundy…

How do they work?!

I called out a form and one of the options was for diet. The choices were:

Omnivore, Vegetarian, Vogon.

Way back before computers had sleep mode we were encouraged to shut it down when not in use to save electricity. I don’t think Windows 3.11 had it. The first time I think I remember encountering it was Windows 2000, but correct me if I’m wrong.

You haven’t met my mother’s Siamese. The cross eyed bastard will scratch around in the box, line up, and spray all over the wall/floor outside of the box.

I had a roommate that asked me for ideas for a tattoo and I told him to just get ‘Chinese Symbols’ written in all caps on him.

The amazing bastard did it.

You know they are sending thousands of bottles of whatever flavor didn’t test well that has been sitting in a warehouse, too.

But den vatt do we do both de children of de night?

3x the pockets means 3x more Pocket Sand. Wah chah!

In the end, we all become Crab.

The break reminder is just a legal obligation, they can still give you the stink eye when you say you’re taking a break and brag about how long they’ve worked without a break.

I have exactly that, but in my right arm.

Maybe its because I’m left handed…

The rotten asshole

Crap, now I have to change all my passwords.

As a child of the 80s and former smoker, I actually find the lingering smell of cigarettes in a smoking room super comforting, to the point that if a hotel has a smoking room option I take it.

You can tell you did a good job if an ethereal slide whistle plays as you do this.

My grandma got mighty upset when I tried to polish her whole head.

-Lack- of magnesium can cause cramps.

Supplementing magnesium can help lots of people since it is lacking in many people’s diets. It can also help you get more and better sleep, just avoid magnesium oxide, that will just make you poop and is unfortunately the form used in many supplements and multi vitamins.

I got backstage access at a U2 concert pretending to be delivering potatoes.