My dad used to dress up as Piccolo from dbz and beat me in my sleep with his custom made ocarina when I was 22 years old. It always pissed me off because he would call it his piccolo but it wasn’t a goddamn flute it was an ocarina. So when he died 4 years ago I dressed up as Piccolo at his funeral and beat his corpse with that same ocarina. Everyone gave me a standing ovation and clapped so hard a few attendees dislocated their wrists, one even degloved their hand. So when the paramedics came I told them my dad died.

I tried slipping into my neighbour’s pet turtle’s gynecologist’s DMs and she gave me the same excuses. I was pretty upset so I covered my hands in corn starch and clapped them on my wiener until I had a good amount of pain. I then cried myself to sleep and woke up the next day to my neighbour’s pet turtle knocking on my bedroom window. He wanted to let me know that he was dropping her as his gynecologist because he’s not even a female turtle and she’s just some weird lady who hangs out at the bus station. So I went down to the bus station and confronted her, we ended up hitting it off and now we’ve been married for 52 years.

Because he understood that I didn’t like it and respected my wishes to not be called that

My great grandpa used to call me chicken cock Santa until I asked him to stop and then he just stopped.

I’m already home, where should I go

After my vasectomy I stopped jacking off to the Teletubbies and started making my own NFTs featuring Mr Burns telling Smithers to suck his dick. Best decision I ever made, can’t reproduce and I made a ton of money. It’s a shame I didn’t get to live to enjoy it all, 3 days ago I died from an overdose in a Walmart fitting room.

All aboard the

Umbrella

Train

In

Someone’s

Mind

I prefer NI slop bot, this intelligence is all natural my dear gonad monkey.

The thing about this meme that’s actually completely unrelated is that eating grapes really makes me feel like a raccoon. A raccoon munching is all I can picture when I eat a grape and I close my eyes and crunch it.

The strait of Hormuz is a McDonald’s ice cream machine.

If this narcissist really wants to be remembered for all eternity he should hold a press conference where he just stares into the camera and goes “I’m Donald Trump and this is jackass” then he swallows a shotgun.

This is kind of like the sound my dearly departed uncle used to make when he would use his all natural boner trampoline while banging the grocery store clerk. He thought it was a better idea than boner pills until he crunched his shlong the first time he used it. Damaged it so bad he needed boner pills just to use his custom fleshlight made of trampoline springs and fabric. Rest in peace uncle giblets, I’ll always remember that time we went to the trampoline park and you got arrested.

Shred it to bits and smoke it through a bong on public transit

Man I wish this was me, I’m out here working a job living a decent life.

Wait until you hear the story of the woman with the monsoon poon. She’ll chew your knob right off.

My dad’s grade 4 teacher used to clobber him real good with a Bible whenever he did normal kid stuff, the Bible can definitely make you cry.

My son’s bus driver named Mohammed McGillicuddy always talks about all the fun he had in his 20s and 30s trapping small elephants in his yard and tagging them like common train cars. He moved to the city in his 40s and he’s still having a blast but now his thing is growing Kentucky onions for his daughters wedding in 6 years.

Regardless, he sure knows how to lick that ice cream

The driver of this van is an old German guy by the name of Rudolph, although it’s not an ice cream van he used to go Häagen Dazs on my asshole every 2-3 days last summer.

Exactly 4h12m each time. I bring timers everywhere I go on account of my neurology.