Bears, Beets, Home Box Office.

Exactly, I feel scarred myself now.

From this I’m getting that an excellent anti-burglar system would be a motion-triggered voice that screams obscenities at the burglar. A long time ago somebody suggested playing the sound of a shotgun being racked. Seems like a similar idea.

Whatcha bein’ so meta for?

Okay, full story:

I was standing in the doorway of an empty office, looking out the window and talking to myself out loud (because I’m a dork) about how I would arrange it if it were my office. It was a ground floor office with beautiful parklike landscaping outside, nothing but trees and rolling greenery, not even a light pole in sight. As I backed out into the hallway without looking, I sort of bumped into two women, one of whom happened to be my office manager, let’s call her Alice, and the other I didn’t know, call her Miss Congeniality. I felt like I had to say something to explain why I was standing in the doorway of an empty office talking to myself out loud, so as they walked away I said, “I’m just having a nice day, enjoying the view.” They looked at each other and giggled, which made me feel even dorkier.

A month goes by.

There’s a small reorganization and the seating gets shuffled. By sheer chance, Miss C and I are supposed to share an office. At this point she tells office manager Alice that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing an office with me after that remark I made. “What remark?” asks Alice. “The one about enjoying the view,” says Miss C, “when he was looking at our butts.” Alice tries to stick up for me, saying I was just off in my own world, but Miss C is insistent so Alice reluctantly brings it to HR.

At first I honestly had no idea what they were talking about, as it had been a month and I had forgotten the whole thing. For a week I tried to figure out what the hell I could have said that sounded like “enjoying the view”. Was it something “of you”? Was it “a few”? But nothing came to mind and I was convinced they just had the wrong guy. Then my wife told a friend of mine about it and he just laughed and said, “Knowing <dork> he was probably looking out the window!” When I heard looking out the window, BOOM the whole thing came flooding back. So I went back to HR and related what I now remembered. I asked if I could talk to the accuser but they’re emphatically like, “Oh no no! Don’t anybody talk to anybody, let us handle it!” After a day or two they say Miss C agreed it was probably a misunderstanding.

The end result was that Miss C didn’t have to move in with me and got to keep her solo office. Based on her utter lack of reaction at the time, I’m pretty sure this was what motivated the complaint. But there’s absolutely no way to prove that, and it’s water under the bridge.

I got that call for saying I was “enjoying the view,” meaning the park-like landscaping out the window of an empty office I was admiring on the first sunny day of Spring. A woman in the hallway assumed I meant her butt.

Poultricidal bastard!!!

Boggles my mind to hear about getting McDonald’s for $15 like it’s a good idea.

I am not! My mother had me tested!

FFS just put on the damn sunglasses.

Please keep your hands, feet and body fully inside the vehicle.

I think almost everybody who isn’t a philosopher is with the biologists.

Changing the name is stupid, ut so is suing Google (or any other map provider). Tailoring place names to the target market has always been a common practice in cartography.

Is there a Chippy Doordash badge?

Let’s go for a walk in the park - they just cleaned the algae tanks!

Of course there’s such a thing as ManBearPig - I’ve seen actual drawings of him! He’s half man, half bear, half pig.

There’s never a massive brain aneurysm around when you really need one.

No because that would make sense, and the whole point of half man, half bear, half pig, is that it doesn’t make sense.

A few years ago I saw an ad for a kids workshop set, with fake tools and a workbench. The workbench had a little bracket for a toy cellphone, and the photo had the kid “playing” in the workshop by pretending to talk on the phone. Saws, hammers, pliers, etc. all around, but he’s on the phone. I thought it was weird.

Someday they’ll find an ancient statue that’s half man, half bear, half pig.