God dammit. Your post made me realize the obvious answer.

Gail. You e-mail Gail.

Welp. I suck at life.

No no no. That’s not how rhymes work.

You text Lex, and e-mail a female!

…yeah, let’s see YOU find a name that rhymes with “e-mail”. Not so easy, is it?

C’mon now! Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the person who thinks he’s making a funny joke, but is in fact wrong.

Everybody knows Jeffrey Dahmer targeted loners who had few if any connections, because it would be easier to prey on their lonelyness. He only killed 1 at a time, and if he waited until he had 8 bodies, the first few would have already began to rot! You gotta cook human flesh right away! Otherwise it spoils…

UseLinuxInsteadOf.MicroSoft

Did you poke breathing holes in the bag first? Because otherwise that’s murder!

Unclear if you’re holding a midget hostage, or are a parent. In either case, the drugs are problematic. Although for entirely different reasons depending on the answer.

I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!

See??? See??? Take that, random collection of various people online over the coarse of 30 years telling me I’m an asshole! I knew I wasn’t an asshole! Well, unless you try to hurt my family. Then I absolutely do fly off the rails and all hell breaks loose. THEN I become an asshole.

But in most times? I’m not the one parking my grocery cart dead center in the aisleway and dead staring at mustard as if I’m unfirmiliar with the core concept of mustard, but flip out if anyone tries to pass by.

Those people exist, and I’ve suggested that everybody be allowed to carry a wet fish. Then when someone is being an asshole, you slap them in the face with an old wet fish. Now while they’re experiencing the innitisl shock and confusion over what just happened, you sweep the leg, rip off their sock and shoe, put them in an ankle lock, and tickle their feet for 30 minutes.

Bet they never pull THAT shit again! But state legislators won’t even put the fish n’ tickle bill on the ballots! Let the people vote!!!

I have a better assistant for my home. It’s called me.

When I get home from work, I don’t rely on some app to open my door. I use my hands, and unlock the door with my keys.

When I want to know how much juice is left in the fridge, I walk my ass to the fridge and check myself.

When I want to set the house on fire to committ insurance fraud, I walk down to the gas station, fill my cannister myself, and come back home and pour it everywhere myself. No app needed!

People are SO dependant on technology these days! Jeez!

Step one, put it in my hand.

Step two, take this $3.50 in all pennies. Those are valuable. They fon’t even make those pennies anymore, and thats 350 of them! All for you! Honestly, you’re making out on this deal.

Step three, …

as heard in the distance

…sucker!!!

I mean…is democrats taking control really that much better? It’s not like some return to decency.

Think of evil as a line graph. When republicans are in control the line goes up.

When democrats are in control the line flatlines as a plateau, but it doesn’t go down. The line only rises with republicans. Then it stays in a holding pattern with democrats.

People refuse to believe me when I say it’s both sides. They’re working together. If the democrats were so upset by ICE, and Trump, and fascism, they would be staging some kind of resistance. A protest. SOMETHING!

Instead, the republicans message is basically “fuck you, I win” and the democrats message is “hold on everybody, lets hear them out.”

The democrats exist because the republicans need the illusion of choice, but don’t want any actual consequences or challenge to their plans.

So no. The pendulum doesn’t swing “back” to crazies. It never leaves that territory. It only cosplays as sane.

That word “Unfortunately” is doing some pretty serious heavy lifting in that sentence.

normal people must be living in political hell in USA right now.

TIL I’m “normal”.

The garden hose? Maaaan, it’s like 16 degrees outside! I want HOT water on my balls, because my balls are hot!

You never heard that 1940s classic musical, “Running in the rain”?

I’m running in the rain, just running in the rain! What a horrible feeling, suffering in pain!

I’ve been telling people for years that there are assholes all around me. Everywhere I go, I see assholes. I’ve been saying this since the late 90s.

I’ve always been told, mostly by people on the internet who don’t know me, that maybe I’M the asshole.

Well there it is. Visualized survayed data that PROVES assholes are everywhere. I’m in Ohio. So 49/1/49 ratio on that list. There really ARE assholes all around me. At all times.

ties a string to your string, and a can at the other end

Now we’re having a three way!

Libraries are usually free.

You…need to stop making me feel old.

Who’s shade?

Depends which angle the sun hits it at.

I’m 42. It’s taken to right now in this very moment to realize that I guess technically pills are eaten.

I never thought about that before.