AUDIENCE

BOOO! BOOO!

CATHERINE (one hand on her hip, the other defiantly pointing at the audience)

I do as I please! I do as I please! Y’all don’t know me! I do as I please!

How do you nominate for comment of the year?

Disqueue, then.

Disque?

… We’re in.

It was, in fact, showtime.

“Oscar Mayer Devouring His Son”

… You get the stabo!

“Orange juice, purple stuff… Sunny D Vodka! Thanks, mom!”

He was the son of Godzilla, after all.

“Dear God, he’s doing H.M.S. Pintafore. We have to leave. Now!”

I was shocked to learn how far away people can read and recognize my face. Much was explained that day.

I don’t want none, hon.

Pretty sure he was counting on it. I sure as hell did it.

I once heard a nutritionist say it was better to give your kid an unsweetened cereal and a bowl of sugar and just let them go nuts, because the vast majority of kids aren’t going to spoon enough sugar on it to match what comes in the sweetened stuff. The equivalent of seven spoonfuls, if I remember right.

“TO FIND IT… TO FIND IT… TO FIND IT…”

God help you if he takes his right hand out of his pocket.

Is this something I can do? Yes.

Will I find a way mess it up? Also yes.

Shiiit, man. That honky mofo messin’ mah old lady–got to be runnin’ cold upside down his head, you know?