It’s true, that wasn’t an entirely fair comparison, but I was thinking about disastrous adaptations, and that one sprang to mind.

Say, for example, Kubrick and The Shining or Ridley Scott and Blade Runner or Jackson and The Lord of the Rings, as opposed to Shyamalan and The Last Airbender or Jackson and The Hobbit.

Honestly, if Jesse Eisenberg had just been doing a version of his Zuckerberg from The Social Network, it would have been fine. His whole twitchy routine was weird as fuck.

You can improve the effect by putting a couple of forks or metal chopsticks deep into the food before starting the microwave. This will help conduct the heat further down into the food during the cooking process.

Also, put a liberal sprinkling of pure silicon on top of your human food for human beings before placing it within your human consumption orifice.

“My grandpa worked at the gives-orphans-cancer factory until he died of cancer, my daddy worked at the gives-orphans-cancer factory until he died of cancer, I’ve been working at the gives-orphans-cancer factory for the last twenty five years and by God I’m proud of my recent cancer diagnosis, and I will fight with every fiber of my being to make sure that my son grows up to work at the gives-orphans-cancer factory!”

With as many problems as the Hobbit movie trilogy had, I can say one thing for sure: Martin Freeman was a perfect Bilbo. Him being constantly irritated that he wasn’t able to sit comfortably and have a meal, all the way from the Shire to the Battle of Five Armies, was flawless. Freeman was a very good John Watson in the BBC Sherlock, but if The Hobbit movies had been better then his Bilbo would have been up there with RDJ as Tony Stark and Patrick Stewart as Professor X as greatest casting decisions of all time.

Quark: I think I figured out why Humans don’t like Ferengi.

Sisko: Not now, Quark.

Quark: The way I see it, Humans used to be a lot like Ferengi: greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We’re a constant reminder of a part of your past you’d like to forget.

Sisko: Quark, we don’t have time for this.

Quark: You’re overlooking something. Humans used to be a lot worse than the Ferengi: slavery, concentration camps, interstellar wars. We have nothing in our past that approaches that kind of barbarism. You see? We’re nothing like you… we’re better.

DS9, The Jem’Hadar (1994)

Millipede using its hundreds of legs to rapidly type code into a stone keyboard: Ehh! It’s a living!

Bears

And down to get its friction on!

The seed is strong.

Terrible bad scary loud boom boom day.

1 moa (minute of audio in 128000 bps mp3)

Give me 320000 bps or give me death!

If you’ve got an Asian grocery store near you they’ll most likely have loose leaf. I got into pu’er tea this way and it’s fantastic!

If it’s a powerful enough blender… maybe the wife is disposing of the means by which she disposed of the evidence.

Bah!

Here’s one of their ads!

Containers, when thrown using telekinesis, do damage that scales with their weight. By nesting multiple heavy containers inside the top container, you can do hellish amounts of damage pretty quickly. For extra ease, use the golden chest that appears very early in the game, since it’s indestructible. It breaks virtually every fight in the game. Also, you have to lug a chest that weighs as much as a neutron star around with you.

There’s always barrelmancy!

How many times can you use amnesia in a show with seven seasons? How many times can you reveal that Character A is secretly related to Character B? How many times can someone get killed but then miraculously get better? How many times can you introduce absolutely world-breaking plot devices, only to forget about them immediately?

The answer for all of the above, for Once Upon a Time, is THERE’S NO FUCKING UPPER LIMIT.

It did have this absolutely fantastic exchange though…

Grumpy: We’re all going to go hang out with Happy.

Snow White: Didn’t he get turned into a tree?

Grumpy: Yeah, but we fixed that months ago! We do things when you’re not around!

…for which I’ll almost forgive all the rest.